I made the choice... twice

Trigger warning: intimate partner abuse

I was sixteen. Sixteen when I found out I was pregnant. I still had my provisional drivers license. I couldn’t rent a car. I couldn’t vote. I couldn’t smoke a cigarette. I couldn’t drink a beer. But now I was going to be a parent. 

All that aside I was stuck. Stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who would call me fat just to see me cry, and turn around and call me a boney toothpick when he saw a curvy woman. Verbal abuse. I didn’t even know what those words meant when I was 16. All I knew was I was pregnant and he made me cry every night. 

I remember going for the consultation for my abortion. They asked me many questions and that’s when it hit me. I never missed a pill. Not one single pill. Yet, I was pregnant. I went home to my boyfriend after my initial consult for the abortion. He laughed at me when I brought up my birth control. He said “you idiot I took your pills all the time.” Meaning he threw one out here and there. I was shocked, devastated, I felt betrayed. 

Ultimately, I terminated my pregnancy with a medical abortion at 9 weeks. I saw that baby on the screen the day before. Planned parenthood was amazing. They never turned the screen towards me. But when they left the room, I looked. I saw the shape, the small arm buds, everything. But still the following day I had the abortion. 

I wish the story ended there. I left the man that abused me verbally and occasionally physically. But my self esteem was so low. I was a scared, confused girl and I took him back after he promised things would be different. 

This time I wasn’t careful. He didn’t have to compromise my birth control because I did it to myself. I never regretted my first abortion. I regretted going back to that man and I coped by neglecting myself. Something I only realize now, 6 years later. 

Three months passed and after a particularly bad fight I went to stay at my mom’s. I told her I was feeling sick and I went and got a test. The lines showed up immediately. I wish I could explain the emotions I felt that day, seeing those lines. But I can’t. 

I told my boyfriend. He was overjoyed, as he had been before. He won. He had me. For life. I pretended things were good. I felt I didn’t have a choice; I couldn’t possibly have another abortion. One night, I discovered he had been cheating on me with 3 women the entire year and a half of our relationship. 

Yelling turned to name calling. And when that wasn’t enough of an impact on me, he pushed me down 3 flights of stairs. 

Enough was enough. I moved home. He called me multiple times a day. He said “think of Carter.” The name we had picked when I was pretending things were good and I was happy with the pregnancy. 

I had my second abortion, this time the pill at 8 weeks. I felt free. I look back on it now and there is not one single regret. I do not miss what could have been. Because I know what could have been would have been hell. 

I became a mother 2 years ago. With the man I love by my side. We welcomed a beautiful baby girl into the world. I know now she would never have been here if I hadn’t made the decisions I made. 

I will never regret my decision to be able to have 2 safe legal abortions. And that is a feeling no one can take away from me, ever. 

Relieved to have the choice

I was 19 and had become pregnant after a one night stand on a holiday I was taking with my best friend. I flew home the next day and took the morning after pill and thought no more about it, assuming I was ok.

Two weeks later I flew out to Central America to meet up with a friend and travel for the remaining summer months. I had been having awful headaches and was very tired with pelvic pain for the last fortnight, but didn’t think I was pregnant. I had been to the doctors before I flew to ask them to give me a check-up as I felt so strange. They were dismissive and told me I was just worried about the trip and to go and have a nice time. 

Whilst in Central America my symptoms continued. My period was 2 weeks late and I jokingly said to my friend that if it was any later I would be pregnant,

My period didn’t come, so I worked out how to ask for a pregnancy test in Spanish and bought one. To my complete shock it came back positive. We were in a fairly remote jungle in Costa Rica at the time and when we found a doctor I asked him what I could do. I wanted an abortion, but I was in such shock that it didn’t even cross my mind that it would of course not be even near possible out there. He just gave me my due date and offered me prenatal vitamins and said I had a kidney infection. My pelvic pain worsened and I thought that I might be having a miscarriage daily. I made the decision to go home to the UK to have an abortion, leaving my friend on her own in Nicaragua. 

I went to the hospital as soon as I returned and it turned out I had an infection in my womb as well as the foetus. I was put on medication and told to wait 2 weeks until I finished it. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant as I was sick every day so when it came to having the abortion I was so relieved that the nausea and tiredness would be stopping. I had a surgical abortion at 8 weeks, which I was able to get free on the NHS and it was very quick and well managed.

I have not once regretted or felt ashamed about having my abortion. I always knew that it was the right decision and I had so much loving support from my friends and family that I felt very safe and held throughout the process (The man I slept with knew but was out of the country so I never saw him again). The hardest physical part was travelling around and back from Central America whilst being very unwell. 

I did not, however, take into account how I would feel emotionally after the termination. I woke up feeling relieved, but also heartbroken, which surprised me. It took a year for me to come to terms with the fact that I wanted the abortion but also allowing myself to feel a loss and sadness for the pregnancy and child I could have had. I am a very maternal person and although I would consider having another abortion it does affects me in a big way emotionally.

6 years on there is no pain or sadness, just occasional reminders. Sometimes I think about how old the child would be if I had kept it but I always feel extremely grateful that I got to have a choice over my own reproduction where as women in so many countries do not.

Relief and gratitude

When my daughter was 1 1/2 I found out I was pregnant again. I was in shock because I was still breastfeeding often and I was cautious the rare time I had sex. When I saw the test results I was filled with dread. I was already so depleted and exhausted. The thought of having another child seemed terrifying and impossible. I didn’t want to be pregnant.

I’m lucky. I felt safe enough to share what was going on with friends and family. They supported me and understood that I didn’t want another baby. 

I called a nearby clinic and had an appointment within 2 weeks. I was a bit nervous about the procedure and stressed about the recovery with a little one to care for. My mom came with me and my husband took time off work. I was amazed by how wonderful everyone at the clinic was and how cared for I felt. It wasn’t scary or painful for me. I felt relaxed and relieved afterwards. I kept waiting for the grief or shame I thought I was supposed to feel but it never came. I feel immense gratitude that I live in a city where I can access an abortion with such ease and safety. Everyone deserves that. 

I try to share my story whenever I can because I want dispel stigma. And because I’m not ashamed of my choice.